A Conversation On Third Spaces
Is not having a third space a personal failing? Or are you just getting fucked.
If you’ve been on the internet at all over the last two years (probably longer, if we’re realistic) you may have heard of the Third Space. If you’re more of an offline person, hats off to you firstly, let me explain.
In Internet speak, a third place is a location you go to regularly that is not home or work, where you go purely for social interaction. The idea of a third space is not new. In the 90’s there were at least three people talking about this idea: Ray Oldenburg, Homi Bhabha,and Edward Soja. All three have been attributed to coining the term but from where I’m sitting, Oldenburg was first in 1991. The third space is where you go to connect with those you know or don’t over a shared interested or experience. Examples of third spaces could be a bar or cafe, social club, joining a sports team, etc.
Sounds Great, Where Do I Get One?
The issue with third spaces at present lies in the lack of access. Most obviously, a lot of third spaces require money to some degree; membership, buying goods or paying for services. Those that don’t or in addition to may require being able-bodied (in the case of a sports league) or have limited hours or other social rules (i.e. libraries, where you generally have to be quiet). But there are other factors of limitation to consider.
Think about where you live. Do you live in a small, rural town? A large, bustling city? How do you get around? Transportation can be a huge barrier to entering new spaces. How long will it take you to get there? If you’re driving, do you have enough gas? Do you need to find care for someone you’re responsible for to be able to go? Do other members of your family need taken somewhere? Do you share your car? All potential pain points in discovering your third space.
In general, living in a city will give you more options. You likely have access to multiple modes of public transit (subway, busses, taxi/rideshare) and can generally find more things to do that are low to no cost. Many museum’s have free days periodically, pop up events, store openings, free movies in the park. The list goes on! Rural areas generally have less to offer in terms of freebies. You may have a library in your town, potentially a coffee shop, a park, maybe a local gym not too far. But there is a high probability that you’re going to be traveling out of your normal routes to a larger place.
No Hurdles Yet! What Am I Missing?
If transportation is not your pain point, maybe it’s time. We never seem to have enough of it, do we? Walk through your typical day. You wake up, maybe get a workout in if you’re a morning person. You go to work, maybe pick up a coffee or bite to eat on the way. Or maybe you work from home and do a load of laundry before logging in. You get to your lunch break and maybe grab something quick with a coworker, meet a friend nearby, make something at home, or in the endless grind you eat at your desk to get a few more items crossed off the to-do list. If you aren’t a morning person, maybe you get a workout in after work. Maybe you don’t work out and instead have to get home to take the kids to soccer practice or pick them up from tutoring and make dinner. Maybe you change your clothes in the bathroom at job 1 and head to job 2 for your next shift only to get home at midnight, take a shower, and crash for a few hours before doing it all again. Whatever your daily routine is, it’s likely you don’t have much wiggle room.
“You and [Insert Name of Famous/Successful Person Here] have the same 24 hours in a day”
There is so much pressure to fill every bit of time that we have in a day. You’ve all seen the quotes like this. I certainly have and felt so behind. Behind with what? I don’t know. But nevertheless, there is some perception that the rich and famous are doing more in their days than the nurse in the emergency room. I’d bet big money that they spend a whole lot of time not doing a whole lot aside from delegating and having an assistant/nanny/housekeeper/chef take care of actual tasks.
Still Nothing In MY Way. What’s Your Excuse?
Entering a new space is scary. When you go to a new restaurant do you look up the menu beforehand and plan what you will order? Look up parking? Read reviews? Do you ever have to worry if the place you are going, or the method of transportation you’re using to get there, will be accessible to you? Maybe you are in a wheelchair or use canes. Maybe you are blind or deaf. Maybe you struggle with eating disorders or body dysmorphia. Maybe you are an alcoholic. The multitudes of physical and mental disabilities can impact a person’s experience in a new setting.
Accessibility aside, there are also the preconceived notions of others in the space or biases they are bringing in with them. Any interaction can turn sour and add another tick to the proverbial PROS column of staying home. Throw a dart at a list of -isms or phobias and you’ve got another reason someone may choose not to venture into this new territory of a third space. Racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, classism, you name it and people experience it every day.
So What Do We Do?
If you are interested in finding a third space, or just being out in your community more, try looking up free events like new business openings, farmers markets, park events, or events put on through the library. I’d also invite exploration into what socialization looks like for you. What if you invited friends over for dinner and a game night? Invite a coworker you’re friendly with to go for a walk after work at a nearby park if you have one and challenge yourselves not to talk about work for more than 5 minutes. It doesn’t have to be rocket scientist and it doesn’t have to break the bank.
In my day job, I talk to a lot of people who come from all different places in life. This edition to Incessant is a part 1 of 2 where I’ll be discussing themes that arise in these conversations.